Added: Jamerson Binder - Date: 02.02.2022 17:40 - Views: 16334 - Clicks: 1830
Posted February 1, Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. I get it. And we have all spent a lot of time thinking, talking, and writing about the considerable downsides. My source is in his 80s, an educator for more than 60 years, a brutal skeptic and about as pragmatic and unsentimental as a human being can get.
But he knows lots and lots of people and, for whatever odd reason, people tell him a lot about themselves. They confess their truths to him. What he said was this: The happiest couples he knows, like, actually happy together, are those in second marriages who really took the time to choose carefully the second time around; who used their first marriage as a wake-up call, a teaching moment or decade or two.
I started asking around, asking women in second-time-around relationships what made them better, or at least smarter. But it makes sense. And it offers a lot of hope. Everyone I talked to said something to the effect of: All bets are off. In a new relationship after a tough marriage, you get to rewrite all the rules. If you were passive or felt pushed around in your first marriage, you can start off, right from the beginning, in a new role. Women who married in their 20s, 30s, 40s, have lots of new priorities, wants, skills, passions, goals , and traits.
So much has changed. Another theme that came up in almost every case was exhaustion, hopelessness, and despair in first marriages that make change feel impossible. A hard marriage grinds you down. A new relationship brings a new set of challenges, neuroses, and downsides, of course. But if you choose more healthily, you can shed the hopeless habits of mind and being.
You can try out all-new ways of being in love, of being a partner, of allowing yourself to be cared for and for opening your heart to care for someone in a far deeper way. Anything truly is possible. I am here to tell you that old, midlife dogs can learn all kinds of remarkable new relationship tricks. You can be vulnerable and open for the first time in your entire life. You can get your groove back in all possible ways, ladies.
I will not go into too much detail here but I heard a lot of good news from women who rediscovered their sexuality and sensuality in new relationships. They reported a new ability to make peace with their imperfect bodies for the first time, well, ever, because they were being cherished in entirely new ways. This was a surprise to me. According to all of the ladies I talked with, their new loves and lives helped them see clearly all of the self-imposed obstacles from their first marriages. These are all the things you thought needed to happen before you felt better if I lost the baby weight; if I had a fulfilling job; re-did the house; lived closer to my family; lived nowhere near my family; got a full lift; got that degree; had more money; found just the right vacation spot, etc.
None of that has to happen. You can literally get a do-over. And you can choose to get what you need and give what you want. Pamela Cytrynbaum Because I'm the Mom. Relationships Essential Re. About the Author. Read Next. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Personality Passive Aggression Personality Shyness. Family Life Child Development Parenting. View Help Index. Do I Need Help? Back Magazine. July Who Is the True You?
Back Today. Essential Re.Falling in love after divorce
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